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Archive for September, 2014

So Daniel was off on a camping trip with his guy friends this weekend. I am glad. That means I don’t have to go camping. No dirt and spiders and cold for me 😀 It also gave me an excuse to miss him enough that I felt justified buying shrimp, fresh mozzarella cheese, wine, and Ghiradelli chocolate for dinner last night. Mmmm, so good! I adore shrimp cocktail. It is my latest obsession. If I could afford it, I would eat it every night until I was tired of it. 😛 Of course, on the cruise last May, I DID eat it every night, and I am still not tired of it. . . .so that could become a pretty expensive addiction.

Still, my heart rang with satisfaction as I sat before a chick flick, taking turns with bites of chocolate, cheese, and shrimp, interspersed with our favorite affordable wine, Apothic Red. As much as I missed him, the introvert in me does love a little alone time.

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Just thoughts

So, I have been looking at some old favorites lately – Emily of New Moon, to be exact. In case you couldn’t tell, considering my previous post. But tonight, I was sitting at a bar, having some wine – Daniel is off on a camping trip, so I had to find a way to entertain myself – and I began reading it again. Yes, while sitting at the bar. And somehow, I still found myself completely lost in its pages. L.M. Montgomery has such a way of pulling one into her pages. I was lost in the magic of her words – they completely wove a spell about me. And reminded me of why I had such a passion for writing when I was young. And now. But, I just have to rediscover it. Perhaps the trick is reading the books that make me feel young and romantic again. You know, the other day, when I was reading quotes from Anne of Green Gables, I had this sudden, sad feeling that I was too old to dream anymore, that it was too late, that the way in which Anne thought and dreamed – it was too late for me. But, surely not. Surely, if L.M. Montgomery’s short stories teach us anything, it is that you are never too old to dream. How many of her stories contain middle aged women who dream and act like young women? Perhaps, then, I am not yet too old, and I can yet find my way, and wrap people in my stories the way she wraps me in hers.

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As is the case of with many L.M. Montgomery fans, one of my favorite quotes comes from Emily of New Moon. I had no idea, however, that it was drawn from an actual poem that L.M. Montgomery used as her own inspirational motto! The entire poem is just lovely.

The Fringed Gentian
Unknown

Lift up, thy dewy fringed eyes,
Oh, little Alpine flower,
The tear that trembling on them lies
Has sympathetic power
To move my own, for I, too, dream
With thee of distant heights
Whose lofty peaks are all agleam
With rosy dazzling lights.

Who dreams of wider spheres revealed
Up higher near the sky
Within the valley’s narrow field
Cannot contented lie.
Who longs for mountain breezes rare
Is restless down below
Like me for stronger purer air
Thou pinest, too, I know.

Where aspirations, hopes, desires
Combining fondly dwell,
Where burn the never-dying flowers
Of Genius’ wondrous spell.
Such towering summits would I reach
Who climb and grope in vain,
Oh, little flower, the secret teach
The weary way make plain.

When whisper blossom in thy sleep
How I may upward climb
The Alpine path, so hard, so steep
That leads to heights sublime.
How I may reach that far-off goal
Of true and honored fame
And write upon its shining scroll
A woman’s humble name.

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Sunsets

So, tonight Daniel and I decided it was probably time to clean the apartment after like 3 weeks of avoiding it. We did take 5 minutes, however, when we saw glowing orange coming through the balcony door, and went up to the rooftop to look at the sunset. It was incredible!

Sunset

“But Anne, with her elbows on the window sill, her soft cheek laid against her clasped hands, and her eyes filled with visions, looked out unheedingly across city roof and spire to that glorious dome of sunset sky and wove her dreams of a possible future from the golden tissue of youth’s own optimism. All the Beyond was hers with its possibilities lurking rosily in the oncoming years—each year a rose of promise to be woven into an immortal chaplet.”

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Weekends

Yes, I admit it. I have fallen into the group of people who “live for the weekends”. But how could I help it? Weekend are just awesome! You get to sleep in, do whatever the heck you want (especially being grown up – no more Saturday chores!!) 😛

This leading up to the very surprising subject of: This weekend was awesome. Well. Fun, anyway. 😛 Daniel and I actually woke up much earlier than usual – around 9:00 AM. Go ahead and judge. We usually sleep in until at least 11:30 AM on the weekends, without shame. But it was nice. We had a baby shower to go to at 2:00. Yes, one of those newfangled joint baby showers. It was for a girl married to a guy that Daniel is friends with, whom I have spoken to maybe half a dozen times? So I already knew it was going to be a tough afternoon. My newest favorite article is “76 Thoughts All Introverts Have at Parties.”

I swear, it is like the author can read my mind. Anyway – so – that was – interesting. Basically, the guys talked in the kitchen, while the girls talked in the living room (talked being a relative term). We partook of hors d’oeuvres together, played a couple games, and then the guys got to go bowling, while the girls sat prettily around and ooed and awed over the baby gifts, after which, we (meaning they, of course, since I don’t speak at parties), took turns in awkward silence and discussing the personality differences of elder/middle/younger children.

Afterwards, Daniel and I headed to a Ben & Ashley’s house, where we had a delicious dinner and played games until way later than we should have. Now that was fun! Only two other people, both of whom I knew well – yes. That is my kind of party.

Sunday, we went to church, and then Daniel’s aunt & uncle brought us out to lunch. Guess what?!? Mimi’s cafe serves their mimosas with the juice in a champagne flute, and then hands you an adorable, personal sized bottle of champagne for it! I loved it. More places need to do that. If we lived closer, I would go there just for the mimosas. After much visiting (during which the aunt and uncle did most of the talking – again – my kind of lunch), guess what we did the rest of the day? After a couple rounds of pool in our apartment’s rooftop terrace area, we sat on the couch, ate leftover appetizers from Buffalo Wild Wings, and watched episode after episode of Castle!

Were we up way to late for a Sunday night? Yes. Was it fun? Yes. Did I maybe finish off the remainder of a quart of moose track ice cream? Absolutely.

Sundays are so much more fun since I have learned to give my fear of Mondays to God. And weekends? Those I have a feeling I will continue to live for.

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Cities

So, I love cities. Weird, I know, considering my upbringing. And, really, I believe I am the only person in my whole family who legitimately loves cities. But I do – I love looking out over hundreds of huge buildings, and the sounds of life, even the cars passing by. There is something so alive about it all. Conversely, I hate crowds. Love cities, hate crowds. No wonder people have a hard time understanding me. I don’t understand myself!

Of course, it does not follow that I don’t like the country. I love walks through quiet woods (okay, as long as they have a walkable walkway), and especially sitting next to streams or meadows. On the up side, at least I am easy to please. 😛

The point being, however, that I love living in DC, love having a place with a rooftop terrace so I can look out over the capital of the free world, and love being able to walk anywhere I need to go.

Yup. I am a city girl.

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Passion in Work

I have always been a “safe” person. Always falling back on the safe option, the one with the most security. Well, except when I decided to move across the country to a state where I knew no one and attend a college I had never visited. And when I said yes to dating someone who totally (or so I thought) didn’t fit my “perfect Mr. Right” description. Both of those turned out rather well. But they are the exception rather than the rule.

No one ever had to tell me that I couldn’t be an author because it didn’t pay well. I knew that from as soon as I could count money. And I always assumed I would write on one side and “career” on the other. And now. Well, I don’t know. I don’t write anymore, that is for sure. But if anyone were to ask what my dream job is, I would, without hesitation, say “to write.” As demonstrated in the chat last night. 🙂 So it must still be in me – somewhere. I just need to find my passion again. And I don’t know how.

And my “career” – well – even that isn’t where I want it to be. The bigger question right now being – where is that? Where DO I want it to be? After going to college, I thought it was an Intelligence Analyst, but now, I have to wonder – am I just holding onto a romantic dream? Did I find something that sounded exciting and romantic and just cling to it, thinking it must be the perfect job? How do I even know I will like it, assuming I ever reach it? And, I don’t even know if that is an actual passion anymore either or if I just say it is because you are expected to have an answer when someone asks what you want with your life.

Really, sometimes I just get this depressed feeling that my life is currently – passionless. (Note: I am NOT talking about marriage here – I am strictly speaking to money/writing/career.)

I feel more lost than I did as a teenager or even in college figuring out what to do with my life. I always just assumed it would come to me and I would recognize things as they came. Not so much. So, now, what DO I want with my life? More and more, I just – want to quit my day job and see if I can make it writing. But I won’t . I put too much value on security. Especially financial security. I experienced all my financial insecurity in my childhood and have never wanted that in my grown-up life. So I won’t. But – I secretly kind of want to. But – on the other hand – I have this suspicion I only want to do that so I don’t have to figure out where to go in a career.

Why can’t this be easy???

It is time to get some perspective and rediscover what I am passionate about. I just don’t know how.

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