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One of those nights

I am in a one of those moods tonight. Introspective, depressed, or whatever other adjectives you care to describe those nights when you just want to curl up and hide from the world. But, since I still have to be a little productive tonight, I thought perhaps if I wrote it out to you, all you strangers out there, I would get it out of my system.

I can’t be the only one who goes through this – those times when you just start reflecting on how low a priority you seem in literally everyone’s lives? Except my husband – he always makes me feel cared for. Sometimes, I just feel like, if I never contacted anyone again, or asked someone to hang out or talk or whatever else – nothing would happen. Just that. They would never get around to contacting me. I’d never visit with anyone, go out with anyone, nothing. Because, sometimes, I feel like I basically have to beg to get someone to hang out with me or chat with me. Not that I need it that often, being an introvert, but sometimes it would be nice to have someone ask me for a change.

Or, there are those times, when you feel like you rearrange everything to accommodate someone else – and still they just can’t make something work? Or you contact someone and they never get back to you – or perhaps wait a week or two to respond. How low must you be on their priority list that they don’t get around to you until they feel like it?

I know these are dangerous depths to go into, and I know that just because other people may not purposefully make time for me does not give me an excuse not to be there for them. But every now and then, usually when like 3 or 4 people do it in a row – I just find myself wallowing in self-pity and have to talk myself out of it.

There. I feel better already. And my husband loves me and always makes me a priority. And I am so precious in God’s eyes that He not only created me, He has a special plan for me. And everyone has busy streaks in their lives – not responding can just be a symptom of how busy they are and how much they need support in their lives rather than being all about me.

If I turn my eyes outward instead of inward, how much more am I able to see! How many others who may feel so much more alone than me – or may truly be alone – without loving husbands, friends, and family who just get a little busy sometimes. How truly selfish being introspective can sometimes be. I am here to give glory to God and be there for others, not wait for others to be there for me.

Thank you for letting me talk through this with you and I hope any of you who may feel discouraged tonight might feel refreshed and encouraged knowing that:

1. Everyone goes through down times. You are not alone. And

2. You are precious in God’s sight no matter what is going on in your life right now.

But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk and not faint. ~ Isaiah 40:31

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Yes, I did my 15 minutes. I used it (well, really, half an hour) to finish up a couple scenes I stopped in the middle of last week.

I have no profound things to say about my self-imposed 7 day challenge. Certainly nothing that hasn’t been said before by “real” writers and multiples of them. But I have to say, forcing myself to write for 15 minutes a day every day for 7 days has made a difference for me. In two specific ways:

1. I have rediscovered my story. Not only do I, for the first time in months, remember what I was trying to do with my book, but I feel like I am beginning to understand my characters more as well. And, for the first time since I wrote the first draft, I am thinking about my characters throughout the day and what they should be doing in their story. I am actually excited about getting back to editing it and – hopefully – finish soon!

2. This may be simple for you, but it is actually profound for me. It IS possible to write for 15 minutes a day. Because it was a challenge and because I committed to writing about it every day on the blog, I did not allow myself excuses. Even the one evening we didn’t go to bed until past midnight and writing my 15 minutes meant staying up until 1:00 on a weeknight, I still did it and, more importantly, I did not regret doing it. The only thing I regretted most evenings was not having more time to spend on it (and, indeed, there were nights I spent far more than 15 minutes).

This has been a great experience for me and I really hope I don’t let it fall by the wayside now that I no longer have an obligation (self-imposed, granted) to write about what I did every day.

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One significant flaw I think I have mentioned before is how quickly Elizabeth’s mother went from being weak, conciliatory, and non-confrontational to speaking her mind and ordering people around. Granted, I know from experience that it can happen to even meek people when the occasion is right, but to turn around so completely seemed inconsistent with her character.

So the question becomes, what changed outside of their circumstances and her anger? Something had to push her – to convince her it was all right to speak up for herself, to tell her children what to do, and to lead her family. And that something,, it seemed most likely, would have probably been her new, very strong friend who knew how to teach children discipline and respect and had no probably telling other people’s children either. Since I have no more than that to say about the scene I finished writing, I’ll get out of my comfort zone and let you read part of the very rough scene I jotted out in my 15 minutes.

“You had a daughter named Anne?” asked Breanna in a softer tone.

“That we did.” Joan looked with some affection toward Breanna’s Anne, who was seated some distance away, playing quietly with her doll, a thin wisp of black hair falling out of her carefully braided hair. “She was a pretty little thing. Blonde as the wheat in a field, unlike your little Anne. She would have been 5 years old this year. But that is neither here nor there.” She hurried on briskly, pulling herself from an almost-reverie. “Fact is, it is a hard life. There are no guarantees outside of God bein’ there for you through thick and thin. We lost two children on a perfectly safe farm in Illinois, a farm that was beginning to fail. We might as well take out chances out here to try and get a better life for our family. That’s what yer husband wants fer you all, ain’t it? A better life?”

Breanna couldn’t quite bring herself to respond. To say yes would be to almost say it was all right for Mark to have dragged them away from their home. To say no would be a lie. Whether it was his fault in the first place or not, it was indeed what he wanted for them out here. So she said nothing, but leaned over the venison stew. 

Joan’s shrewd glance at her spoke volumes. There was an awkward silence before Joan spoke quietly. “Admitting he’s doin’ his best for you now doesn’t mean what he did in the past was all right. But you can’t change it by bein’ bitter and dismissive.”

Breanna bit back a sudden sharp remark that it was none of her business. She was the one who had brought up reasons for being on the trail, and she had no call to be rude to her only friend.

“Thank you.” She said instead, rather stiffly. “Now, then. Let’s see if we can’t get your oldest girl to actually help some.” Joan moved on cheerfully and quickly. “Elizabeth! Come tend the cornbread!”

It took some minutes for Elizabeth to actually appear from the back of the wagon, an irritable look on her face.

“You ready for this?” Joan looked at Breanna.

“Ready for what?

“For instructing your daughter on helpin’ out.”
“Oh – I  – I don’t know. She looks rather – tired.”

“She doesn’t look tired, she looks angry. She is as angry as you are at being out here, the difference bein’ you are taking responsibility and doin’ what has to be done and she is letting everyone else do the work – which I suspect she is used to from back home.”

Breanna didn’t have to answer the assumption for Joan to know it was true.

“Anyway – I have my own family to tend to, Breanna, and you have yours. I will not be here all the time and you need to get a little backbone and learn to teach your daughters what respect is. They have just as much duty to be out here working as you have.”

“But – I don’t – I don’t know –“

“How? You stand up straight, you remember you are her mother, you are responsible for her upbringing, and you do not want her acting the way she does now when she has her own family to tend to. You and and yer mister are responsible for how Elizabeth behaves and kowtowing to her every time she throws her little temper tantrums ain’t doing no one any good, least of all her.”

By this time Elizabeth’s slow saunter had brought her near enough the fire that Breanna did not feel comfortable arguing any longer. Her daughter stopped and looked at her silently, her lifted chin defying her to actually give any orders. Breanna glanced towards Joan, who answered with an encouraging nod.

“Ahem. Elizabeth – Mrs. Winters must get back to her own dinner now. Please see to the cornbread.”

“I think not.” Disdain dripped from her daughter’s voice. “It is hardly my place, nor do I have any knowledge of the method of cornbread cooking.” Elizabeth half glanced towards Joan, almost simultaneously with her mother, both expecting the woman to speak up about respect and doing her job the way she had every time previously. But Joan remained silent, leaning studiously over the fire to add more wood. After an embarrassed silence, Breanna cleared her throat again and continued in a strained tone.

“Then. You will need to learn, Elizabeth. It is high time for you to start pulling your weight around here. I cannot be expected to do all the work, and nor can Mrs. Winters.”
“I cannot be expected to do the work either, Mother. If Father wanted dinner, perhaps he should have brought servants with us, or, perhaps even allowed us to remain in our home.” Elizabeth icily turned to go, sure she had, as usual, silenced her mother with her concise insults.

Breanna shot a desperate glance towards Joan, who returned her look with meaningful eyes and pursed lips.

Elizabeth!” In her desperation to get the word out, it came much more sharply than intended. But it did the trick. Elizabeth stopped and half turned in surprise.

“Elizabeth.” Breanna continued in a slightly softer, but just as determined voice. “You will return here immediately and ask Mrs. Winters politely to show you how to cook cornbread, or you will . . .will . . . assist her father and brother in caring for the oxen.” It was the only thing that came to mind as an alternative. 

Elizabeth’s lip curled and her brow furled as she looked at her mother in disbelief. Breanna swallowed and set a stern expression on her face, trying to look as if she meant every word she said. Elizabeth slowly turned back around and stepped to Mrs. Winters, casting Breanna one more half derisive, half uncertain glance before she said rigidly, “Mrs. Winters, would you be so kind as to  . . . show me how to . . . do that.”

Joan allowed a small smirk to play about her lips. “I would be delighted, Miss Johnson.” She cast Breanna an approving look above Elizabeth’s dark head.

I’ve been having an issue with my main character in Picture of the Past almost since the beginning. I didn’t like her. I didn’t intend for anyone to like her at first, but to gradually sympathize with her as she changed – but I didn’t like her even when she changed. She seemed so – flat. So single-minded. So one-dimensional. In short, she seemed like a character, not a person. I’ve been reading lots of books and articles about how to improve this because, in my mind, she is multi-dimensional. She has struggles, internal and external, and she is someone who can grow into such an incredible daughter and sister – but I just can’t seem to translate that to the page.

One good thing about implementing these additional scenes, is that they are forcing me to write more about her. More scenes about her, more viewpoints about her – and I think I am slowly beginning to figure her out more. I am still not pleased – but I think I’ll get there. One thing I need to remember is that this is my character – not the character that all the articles tell me I have to write. All the books and articles say your heroine must be sympathetic. But that isn’t true. There are plenty of heroines that are not sympathetic until the last. So if she is selfish and unlikable in the beginning part of the story, that is who she is – trying to add sympathetic elements only makes her seem more fake until she actually begins to change. Besides, she really doesn’t seem to like it when I add in things about her that aren’t true. Believe me, I’ve tried.

Day 5 of the 15 minute challenge involved writing a scene wherein she is angry about doing servants work, the boys don’t pay as much attention to her as she thinks they should, and her mother was just about to give her a lecture on what it actually means to be a lady when the timer went off. I don’t know if it will actually go into the story, but she is doing a good job of reminding me that she is just a spoiled little rich girl at first and I shouldn’t be trying to make her into something else.

I know it is technically past midnight, but I am still totally counting this 15 minutes. We had guests over, which I personally think is a valid excuse. But, I did begin writing a scene that I defined as needing to be written! Which, then started to turn into another scene which went longer than anticipated, but that isn’t bad – it is helping me get to know my own characters a little more.

It is seeing the main character from another character’s point of view, which is always helpful for discovering his or her personality. A little cheesy, but I don’t really care since no one gets to see it but me. And that is all for now, since it IS a workday tomorrow.

I’ve never been a big outline person. It feels so restrictive to me. And I freeze almost more than I do over a blank page if I am trying to outline an entire book. What if I don’t know where I want to go? What if I want to see what the characters want? What if I don’t know what to put where? How does an outline even work? Isn’t this a waste of time? And on and on the questions go. No. I rarely do outlines. Not saying I won’t ever – so many people claim they change your life and novel, but for now, I am going to work with methods that actually get me writing.

For the first time, though, I am beginning to understand the index card methodology – you know, the whole write scenes on index cards and rearrange them? I may end up doing that yet. So, I finished what I started yesterday and went through the book, noting areas that I felt needed additional scenes to actually create the story and give it depth. I figured out 54 MORE SCENES THAT NEED TO BE WRITTEN! (*I will not panic* *I will not panic* *repeat over and over*) But on the bright side, I truly do believe that they will make the book better and flow more easily. As it stands now, Elizabeth changes from a haughty little rich girl to a humble person trying to help her family waaaay too fast. It’s kind of like, wait – who are we talking about? So things like this ought to fix that.

I realized as I was noting where things need to go that this is where outlines and index cards probably come in for writers who use those. They can see at a glance where those gaps are. I finally understood it. I still think this worked better for me personally – at least where this is novel is concerned – but I think knowing makes me a better writer and better prepared for whenever I finish Ethrill.

Yes, I am counting this as my 15 minutes of writing. I may not have written an actual scene, but at least I now know where I am going with this.

Actually written yesterday, August 30:

I have a lot more free time than usual tonight due to my husband being gone for a guy’s night and having nothing in particular scheduled. I was going to go to the Library of Congress to do some research and writing, but it is a dreary, rainy night, and I decided I really did not want to leave the house. So, instead I made myself a pot of tea, turned on some Jim Brickman and am doing my writing here, with no people around.

I am taking advantage of my extended period of time do go through the book and note everyplace I think needs more scenes or which parts need to be “shown” instead of told. There are a lot! This is really helping remind me of where I left off a few months ago, when I started doing piecemeal research that I just never had enough time to concentrate fully on. I feel like I am beginning to remember what I wanted out of the story. Once I finish marking potential scenes or areas that “tell” too much, my goal is to write at least one of those scenes. But even if I don’t get the scene written, going through the book itself counts as the “15 minutes”, right? I hope so, since I’ve already been at this for half an hour!

I feel like I might get more use out of this editing style than going through the book and changing page by page and feeling like I never make progress. Everyone has different book editing styles, or so I have read, and I suppose you simply don’t know which yours is until you try!